People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
they really do be looking like this
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.