Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks