welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.