Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
black phone good
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.