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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf