ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide