I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Only Americans understand
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.