I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Festive toon…
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg