me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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Well, this is awkward
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.