The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.