*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.