Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.