Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”