Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.