13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
What personal space?
My dog
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!