I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Single and childfree like Jesus
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?