i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now