The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Not all heroes wear capes….
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit