lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped