Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.