My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
🤣😂
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams