She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
The devil.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.