Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
You deplete me
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean