A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”