If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
a badder mouse
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!