World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure