Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.