Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You Might Also Like
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
A drum solo but on your face.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*