Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed