Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?