My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.