Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*