My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
meow
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.