“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME