Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker