My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.