A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.