i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Pretty much. 🤣
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target