Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.