I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.