me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.