YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
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Probably my best painting.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
gm
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.