WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.