My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Stonehinge
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me