Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will