Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Just me and my debit card against the world
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Fidel Castro was alive?