I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
In banana years, I am bread.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.