murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Stop being racist to kettles.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
this will hang in the louvre one day
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.