People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together