Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
PARKOUR
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”